Dreams

What happens when you finally give up on your dreams? Knowing you will never take that cruise, or take your grandson to see the Grand Canyon and drive through a redwood tree, or just sit in the seat comfortably on a roller coaster ride. I wanted to ride across the sky on a zip line. I wanted so much. I’ve finally let it all go. It’s not a dream anymore. It’s all gone. I know I can never afford to do it anymore. I don’t even have a job at the moment. My retirement is evaporating. My legs will barely hold me up much less ride a donkey down into the Grand Canyon. They were just dreams anyway. It doesn’t matter anymore.

Neighbors

So my prowler the other morning, at 2:30 in the freaking morning was my neighbor out walking his dog. I never would have gotten so freaked out if I had shut the door on my back porch because I would never have seen his light. My Ring camera just happened to have been activated by the cat just when he was walking his dog before going to work early and my porch door was open, so it caught the light. I slept with my gun last night again. I should have just asked him Sunday morning. It would have saved me another night of angst…lol… oh well, lesson learned.

Prowler

I got really freaked out last night and sat up all night with my gun in my lap. Someone was snooping around my back porch with a flashlight. Thank God for my cat wanting to come in the house at 2 A.M. he activated my Ring camera and I was able to catch the flashlight on film. He never came in to my enclosed porch so I didn’t get a picture of him. I turned on the lights and went to let the cat in with my gun in my hand and watched my ring all night but he never came back. It’s daylight now so I’m off to bed. Bummer… I thought I was in a pretty crime free location.

Tony

Almost 4A.M. and I’m still sitting here watching another comic book movie. How many came on today? I’ve watched something with the x-men, the avengers, I threw in a hunger game to break the monotony, then back to the x-men. Tony would have loved this month, it seems they are playing everything he loved over and over again. Oh my goodness, I’ve watched the Blade movies, the spiderman movies. Resident evil and underworld. It has been a long month and theres still another week left. I’ll be glad when the stop all these movies that he loved. The Avengers one had me crying today. That’s so stupid. I miss you, son.

Old friends

An old friend from my Monterey House waitress days just contacted me on messenger tonight. The years ’75 to ’85, my Dallas days. She remembered mom, my sister and my aunt Flo who also worked there with us. I loved Dallas. I only left because it was no place to raise kids, or at least it was no place for ME to raise my kids. I was so wild back then. All I wanted to do was party and Dallas is the place for that, ( at least it was back then). But when your sister walks up on your six year old son sitting in a tree with a rope around his neck about to jump, It’s an eye-opener. I put my two week notice in at work, called dad to come get the boys, no matter what I had to live with once I got back to florida, nothing mattered but my baby then. It was time to be a mother. But it was wonderful taking about the young years and of all the people..lol.. I kissed her husband before he was her husband when we were 16.. I wasn’t yet working at the restaurant yet but I was there with mom and aunt Flo while they were rolling up silverware and they to me something in spanish and told me to say it to this kid working in the back. I did, not knowing what I was saying and he kissed me. Apparently I told him to give me a kiss, my first spanish words…lol.. It was our first meeting and it never happened again after we began working together. Luisa began working there not long after that and they became an item and got married after a while. She just told me they lasted 23 years. Good for them, I’m glad they made it till the kids were grown. Her mom used to babysit for me when I went out dancing sometimes. It was really good reminiscing on some good days. Oh well. Bed time.

“The dropsy”

Sometimes I feel so dumb…lol… a couple of nights ago while doing my daily Bible studies I came to Luke 14:2. Jesus was healing someone with ” the dropsy” and it stopped me in my tracks. I don’t ever remember reading that word on the Bible before. Was I just going through the motions all these years of reading God’s word that I was just carelessly reading the words but not taking them in? Was it just the newer version I was reading or had ” the dropsy” always been there? What was the dropsy? I went in search of another version and there it was ” the dropsy”. I grabbed another version, there it was again. I found my 1611 Bible and sure enough it was there also. Where was my brain when reading this verse before? Now, I’m wanting to know what this illness is so I grab my phone and google ” the dropsy” . Surely it has got to be described better than that. Surely someone can tell me what the dropsy is and sure enough the answer is there. I even get this sometimes so next time my feet and legs start swelling up like balloons, I can just say ” oh, I’ve got the dropsy” . The dropsy sounds so much better than edema…lol.. I can barely walk sometimes and it might make me laugh at myself if I just think of it as the dropsies… anyway, that just sounds so silly. Who knew? Where was I when I was reading that verse before? I was apparently not paying attention to what I was reading. GOD forgive me.

So anyway, the kids and I, along with Rita and GG went to see Dolittle today after church. I really enjoyed the day out with the kids and I really enjoyed Dolittle. I really like Robert Downey Jr. He’s a good actor, in my opinion, not that my opinion amounts to much but there you have it…lol.. By the way folks, I’ve started taking my vitamins again and it’s amazing how much better a person care feel once your body is getting it’s proper nutrients. Even my depression is better I think. Stick a little extra magnesium in there and it works wonders…lol… night folks….. night baby…

Interviews

So today I will go get my hair cut and start the interviews like a good little girl. Does that sound snippy? Oh well.. it has to be done. I can’t sit around on my bottom the rest of my life. I’d be broke in a few months with nothing to pay the bills with. That’s the way it’s supposed to be right? You work all your life till you can’t do anything anymore then you die. I guess I shouldn’t be writing today. It’s 7:30 in the morning and I haven’t slept at all, I really should take a nap before I do this interview.

Birthdays

The kids and I went down to Florida for the weekend to celebrate my sister in law’s 50th birthday. Tina was never expected to make it to 50. With guaches disease, they said she would never have a child, she did. They said she would never make it past 35, she did. Doctors say lots of things that can be proven wrong with a little help from God. Miracles can happen.

We had a very quick trip but I was able to see all my siblings but Mallory. It’s so sad that he disowned me. Oh well, his loss, I can’t do anything about how he feels.

Steven and I went and stood by Tony’s grave for a few minutes before heading back to Ringgold. Tony really does have the best looking headstone in the cemetery, no joke. Of course all the ones around him are not colored marble like I ordered for him. The blue made a big difference and his picture also makes a huge difference. It is really beautiful.

Over all it was a wonderful weekend and coming home from taking the rental car back to the airport, steven and I had a much needed laugh. I got the giggles so bad, it was hilarious, I told him I needed to stop laughing or I was gonna pee myself…lol.. you know how old women are, can’t even cough…but anyway, that just made the giggles worse, Thank God I was just joking or I would have been soaked by the time I made it back home. So I was tired until, I turned out the lights but as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was wide awake.

Mom, I thought of you alot yesterday. Happy birthday to you too. I didn’t forget you.

Trapped

I’ve been watching 20/20 about the women who were kidnapped in I think Cleveland? It’s strange listening to the mind games that he used to play on them pitting them against each other. The jealousy they felt is all too familiar. Dad used to do that. I never understood how my sister could be jealous of me but dad was always so obvious about his affections. When I didn’t fight, I was his favorite and for so long I felt so guilty because of fighting him. If I would for too long he would get up and get into her bed and I would have to listen as he raped her, she was always just as quiet as I was though. She never screamed or shouted either. We were so quiet. I always felt so guilty because I felt like it was my fault that he had gone to her. If I stopped fighting maybe he would not have raped her too. Oh well, that was life.

Mrs. Fagan

It’s after midnight. And I just looked at the date, January 2nd. That means it’s mrs. Fagan’s birthday. I don’t know why I thought of her. Back in the early 70’s she was 60 something. She was a little bitty lady that went to our church in Moorpark, California. She lived at the top of a hill a block away from the church and I used to love watching her fast walk, ( I don’t know what else to call it. It wasn’t a walk or a run or a jog. It was a cross between them all.) It was so funny though watching her going to or from church. She was so little, less than 5 feet.

Anyway, I don’t know what brought her to mind, maybe just remembering it was her birthday. She was the sweetest person, even a 12 or 13 year old could see how special she was. She is of course gone by now, she would have been close to 120 by now. Thinking of her makes me smile though as I remember her run/walking up the hill.

Mom’s birthday is on the 12th. This will make the 3rd birthday without her. I wish I could hold her in my arms again. She loved being held and loved having her hair stroked. I love you mom.