Remembering

Today was my day off sweetheart. I’ve been catching up on the avengers, iron man, and all the other superhero movies I’ve missed since you’ve been gone. I’ve even watched some of them twice over the last few days…lol… I’m preparing myself to watch endgame on my next day off, Thursday. I have another job interview with blue cross that day too. Wish me luck baby, then come sit by me in the theater, eat your nachos loudly and put your arm around me and tell your old mom that you love her. I love you baby and I miss miss you so much.

Pain

I hurt all the time. Some days it’s not as bad as others but yesterday I called in and told them I couldn’t work. When I told my daughter in law what I’d done she said, ” well it looked like you were getting around fine to me.” My first thought was, ” what am I supposed to do, moan and groan every minute?”. No I bite the bullet and try not to complain. No one wants to hear someone complaining 24/ 7. I have to work, so what good does it do to complain, I just hope every time my leg gives out I am close enough to grab on to something so I don’t end up face down on the floor. That would be embarrassing… lol… so far I’ve been lucky. I’ve come close to falling a few times but have been close enough to a counter to grab it. If I ever get insurance again I guess I’ll have to get my knees checked out once and for all. I guess that’s what I get for letting myself get so fat. Oh well, got to get some rest. I’m on the morning shift.

The theaters are busy, the movie will have to wait a few days, baby. I miss you.

My baby

Oh my baby, I miss you tonight so bad. The avengers, end game will be coming out soon. I think I’ll go see it even though I’ve been missing the others that have come out over the last year and a half. I’ll have to go alone but that’s ok. I pretend you’re sitting beside me eating some nachos too loud and getting on my nerves… I love you baby. I miss you so much. I’ll see you soon.

Hard days

Some days are so hard to get through. Today was one of those days. I sat in church this morning watching my baby sing praises to God and was bursting with so much love and I was so proud of the man that he has become but at the same time wondering why Tony had to die for me to be able to be in that spot, to be bursting with that much pride for one son and while the other is gone? It was bittersweet. Today was also dad’s birthday and I wonder why I find myself wondering why it bothers me to say happy birthday to him when it doesn’t bother me to say it to any of my other deceased family and friends. Oh well, it’s just been a day.

On the bright side my weight has finally gotten to the 30 pound mark. I really like intermittent fasting, it’s slow but something I can live with.

Tattoo

I don’t know why I do this to myself, baby. I got my tattoo in honor of you, but now that I am out in the public people comment on it everyday. Then you come up. When I say I did it in honor of my son they want to know why. When I tell them it is because you had passed away, their mouths open and out pours the condolences. They could never possibly understand that I don’t feel sad anymore, I keep you alive inside of me and I talk to you everyday. I don’t write you notes on the fridge anymore and I know you are not sleeping right down the hall anymore but I talk to you more now than when you were alive. Like today, I felt a twinge in my chest and I reached for my chest and my first thought was, I wish I could feel Tony’s heartbeat again. I lost my remote in my covers yesterday and I screamed for you to come and find my remote, and I laughed as I thought of you walking in and rolling your eyes… I love you baby. Good-night.

Oh my God, baby, I’m sorry

As I lay here this morning with my lungs full of phlegm and coughing it up, I can’t help but think of you in your last hours. When hospice took over, they quit sucking the stuff out and your lungs filled up so fast and I kept having to clean your mustache and beard. Sometimes you would quit breathing and I had to keep my hand on your heart to feel your heart beating to know you were still alive. I hurt so bad and I don’t want to work today but walmart don’t care if you are dying. Lol. Life sucks and then you die I guess. Oh well, I hope it’s not contagious. I’d hate to spread this phlegm around. Everyone keeps saying it’s the allergies from all the pollen but it feels like pneumonia to me. My lungs hurt. Baby, I’m so sorry your lungs filled up like this before you died. I’m so sorry baby. I love you.

Birthdays

Hey baby. Your brother’s birthday is coming up. He wanted a keyboard so that’s what I got him. He wants to sing better and he thinks that learning how to read music will help him. Personally. I think he sings great already. I love you, baby. I don’t really have anything to say, I was just sitting here in the dark watching t.v. and thought I’d say hi. I miss you.

Hudson

There is gonna be a prayer vigil tonight, in Hudson’s hometown, as he lays in Virginia on a ventilator. He was doing so well before he took this trip and got pneumonia and the flu. He’s so young and he is such a little fighter. I couldn’t have done it with you, baby, but then again you were old enough to tell me you didn’t want to live that way. I mean just after your first stroke, you let me know as soon as you got home you were going to shoot yourself. Little did we know, that you would never make it home. But I signed the DNR papers because of that conversation, so you were never put on a ventilator. It hurts so bad, watching from the sidelines while Hudson goes through this, wondering if he just wants to go home or if he wants to continue the fight. He’s too young and sick to say. But his mom and dad are gonna keep fighting for him, so I will pray for miracles and tonight my voice along with everyone else’s will shout out to God for miracles for little Hudson Carver. There are 2 “hugs for hudson” facebook pages. My Hudson is the youngest one. Everybody pray.

Baby, I think of you every day and so I am writing to you now so that you will never be forgotten. You are forever on my pages and in my heart. I miss you.

Hey

Hey my baby. Rough day at work today. I hurt so bad. Oh well, I got through it. I’ve got some applications in at other places, sit down jobs, but that makes me feel so lazy. I think I’ll go see captain marvel tomorrow. I wish you were here so I wouldn’t have to go alone. I love you baby and I miss you.

Sleep is over rated

I can’t sleep tonight, baby, even though I need to be at work in just a few hours. There is a mother in Virginia that I’ve never even met, but I love as if I’ve known her since the day she was born. She is my cousin Patti’s daughter, and tonight she is sitting by her little boy’s bed while he is on life support. He has this terrible terminal disease that he was kicking in the butt, then he had to fly to Virginia to see his specialist and ended up getting pneumonia and the flu. Baby, I know how she feels sitting beside that bed watching her baby. My heart aches for her.

As I was laying here I was thinking of you and baby, sometimes you were not very nice to me. You said some mean things to me but I let it go because I didn’t want you cutting me out of your life like you did everyone else. We really need to talk about that one day, but not tonight, I’m sick, and I’m worried, and I just want to say I miss you.