Pennys is spelled that way for a reason. It is the name of all of my female dolls that I give away to Dementia and Alzheimer’s patients at the hospice facility I work at. I named them Penny because I always wanted a little girl. I picked out her name when I was 15 years old. I chose PENNY MICHELLE as her name. Penny was for an old Joe Stampley song that I absolutely loved, and Michelle was for the Beatles song. When I give my dolls away, they patients may rename them anything they wish. I just call them Penny. Mom loved her doll when she was sick. She held it just like a real baby. Slept with it and covered it up when she thought it was cold. So I began giving out dolls in honor of my mom, and I call them, “PENNYS FOR MOM.” By the way, all of the male dolls, I call JAKE. Why, you may ask? Well, because I fell in love with a song called “FEED JAKE” by the group Pirates of the Mississippi. I call all of my male pets Jake also… I know, dumb, but it’s easy to remember. Anyway, I just thought I’d put this out there in case anyone else wanted to start a non-profit for dolls for Alzheimer’s patients. It really helps them in times of stress. The dolls have to be given at a specific time in their disease. If you give it too early, they don’t care, and it won’t help. I determine if it’s time by bringing the doll out of my bag and holding it on my lap while sitting next to them. If they seem interested, I give them the doll. The first reaction is usually a hug or a kiss to the doll and a smile that lights my world. I’m gonna post a picture of mom with her baby. I forgot to mention that the dolls should be soft, not hard. The 11 inch to 16 inch seems to be the best fit. I always get an 11-inch one I think.
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Praising God
I would just like to take a moment out of my day to just praise God. A year and a half ago, I was recovering from my knee surgery, not able to go back to work at Walmart because I couldn’t stand for long periods of time because of back issues and being extremely overweight. I went on early retirement, but my social security check barely covered my bills and left nothing for food or gas. I was afraid I was about to become the burden on my children that I had never wanted to do. A neighbor of the kids was a security guard, and I believe we are close in age. She told the kids that I should check into it. I did. Once my knee healed enough, I became a security guard. GOD had given me a job that I could sit down at and not worry about standing on my feet for 8 hours a day. I am now in a hospice facility where I can run for coffee for people who have dying family members. I can give out my dolls to the Dementia patients if they want one. I don’t have to walk if I’m having a bad day. If I’m sick, I still can go to work because I will be just sitting at home and doing nothing, so why not go to work and get paid for sitting. I did have to take off when I had covid at Christmas, but hey, that’s life. GOD has blessed me so much this past year and a half, and He just keeps going. My son had a friend from church who is going through a divorce (actually 2 of them, so his spare room was being used), so he asked me if I’d be willing to let his church friend rent my spare room. So, sure, it’s just been sitting there empty for 5 years. Why not? Little did I know that a couple of weeks later, he would get joint custody of his children. But hey, I have 2 spare rooms, so he set up the second spare room for his boys, who are 7 and 11. I was scared to begin with. After all, I don’t know this man from Adam, and now I have his kids running around here, too. Oh, did I ever mention that I work the graveyard shift. Are his kids loud? Am I going to be able to sleep? Is this even a decent man? But God had it all under control. The kids are great. They haven’t woke me up, not once. Yes, he is a decent man. At work Friday night, there was a family member there sitting with a loved one. She was going home to get a little rest while another loved one took her place. I walked her out because it was 3 in the morning, and we do have some homeless folks in the neighborhood. As she drove by the driveway, she stopped and backed up to pull in the driveway by me. I asked if she had left something, and she said, “Yes, Marcella. I just realized that you won’t be here when I get back, and I want to give you a hug and thank you for everything.” I had been getting her coffee for several days now, and she had asked my name. And she remembered it, I didn’t even have to tell her twice. God puts some wonderful people in my path just when I need them. I really needed that hug this week. I needed to meet her. I think I needed to hear someone say thank you. I was getting to feel like nothing I did mattered. She let me know it did. Just at the right moment. GOD IS SO GOOD AND GREATLY TO BE PRAISED. I just felt like I needed Him to know that I love Him and praise Him still. THROUGH IT ALL
WHY
We ask that question a lot. Why did I have to lose my child? Why did I have to be abused? Why am I still living? I have no idea, but God does, and someday He will let me in on the secret of why. I’m sure of it in my heart. But why do I even believe that? Why do some prayers go unanswered when He is so quick to answer others? I’m sure when He is holding me in His arms someday that He will let me understand it all. In the meantime, I will go on praying, ” Thy will be done.” I stopped praying that for a while after Tony died. I was so angry, and I let God know just how angry I was. One day, as I was crying out to Him and begging to know why, I felt Him whisper to me, ” Let it out, child, I understand. I lost a child, too. I lost Him for you.” We may not ever know the reasons why God allows the things He does on this side of heaven, but someday we will all know the answers to our “Why, God. ” We just have to hold on to God and stand on His promises until one day, maybe even on this side of heaven, we will get that A-HA moment and understand that yes, despite all the pain and anguish, His plan was better.
Sad deaths
The nurses said he was mean, and he said, ” Am I gonna have to listen to you two for the rest of my life.” They were busy and in a rush to get to other patients. We had 12 patients that night. That was last Friday. They finally sat him out of his room next to me. I held his hand, and he was so sweet to me. When I left for home, I gave him a hug and said I’ll see you later. When I came back in Monday night, he was quiet and was never brought out to me. He passed away quietly that night. When his wife came in to say her last goodbyes, she was devastated. They were together for 63 years. That’s my age. That means this black man and white woman got married in 1960 during a time when it wasn’t common. They probably had a very hard life in that day and age, but they made it through the years, still loving one another. It was sad and beautiful at the same time to see her love for him. I am so happy that they endured this couple I never knew. My prayers are with his wife and children. May God protect them as they go on without him.
Family
I got a text from a cousin who lives just outside of Atlanta. It just read, ” cella, call me.” I thought, oh no. I picked up the phone and dialed the number, thinking it would be about my aunt, but no, it was her brother. I think he was the second to the youngest of ten. My poor aunt, I think this is the fifth one that she has lost. I can’t imagine the pain. It was the hardest thing in my life to lose just one of mine. My aunt has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I wonder if that will help with the pain this time. I can’t fathom it. It took almost 2 years for me to function properly after I lost Tony. On a different note, I got on the scales again, and it was 299.6. I’m so fat. All of my test results are back in, and all of my issues can be attributed to my obesity. I downloaded my fasting app again and began my first fast. The doctor said that once my blood pressure is down a little, he will give me something to help me lose weight. I am 16 hours into my fast, and I’m a little hungry, but that will pass. I’m going to try to get into autophagy, which takes at least 24 hours. I don’t know if I’ll make it my first time. I’m getting close. I am in ketosis at the moment. Oh well, whatever I do, I’ll deal. I always do. Life happens then you have to move on.
Sharing how you’re feeling
I walked into my son’s house today and was asked how I was. I started crying. Now, when I left my house, I was fine. It was like a slap in the face today ( that question). I couldn’t answer with my grandson in the room, so I just shook my head and said ,” Later,” . When my grandson walked out of the room, I explained to them about what I wrote yesterday, and my son told me that he blamed me for nothing. He said he understood that I was broken and it was not my fault. He said what I gave him was so much more. He said that when he was scared and having nightmares, I told him to pray and ask Jesus to take the fear away. He said I prayed with him, asking Jesus into his heart. He said when I think of his childhood to remember that I gave him Jesus. I think tonight he just gave me the best gift that he could have ever given me. Peace. It may take a bit for me to heal, but knowing that he thinks of me showing him to the Lord will help me heal. God is good.
Self loathing
I’ve been listening to a bunch of self-help podcasts for a couple of weeks now. But today, I’m having a really hard time. How can you love yourself when you commit the one thing you never wanted to do. You swore as a child you would never do. But I did it anyway. I never even realized it at the time that it was happening. I just wanted my kids clothed and fed. I wanted them protected and safe. But I did just the opposite. I subjected them to witnessing the worst of depavities and didn’t even understand I was doing it. I don’t hate myself for me, I hate myself for what they were subjected to. It can’t be undone. It can’t be erased. How do you love yourself knowing that they were a witness to it all. They saw the abuse I endured, they saw the sickness, they saw the depravity, they witnessed it all. I can’t change that. I can’t make it better. How do you love someone that hurt your children like that? That someone is me. And I can’t.
Hospice families
Oh my gosh. Tonight is going to be a long night. We have a patient moaning with every breath she takes, and from what I understand, the family won’t allow anything but scheduled medicines. If that is the case, she should not be in this facility. This place is here to make people comfortable and painless as they die. We should not have to listen to a patient in pain here. I just don’t understand how a loved one can listen to someone they are profess to love moaning in pain. Although I only sit here and push a button, it is one of the hardest emotional jobs I’ve ever had. How do people live with themselves after letting a loved one suffer so much. It breaks my heart. I understand that they want to be able to talk to them. They want to keep them alert instead of drugged, but keeping them in pain in so wrong. They should let them die peacefully. They should not be so selfish.
Danger
As I sit and listen to the police scanner at work, I find the gang violence at its peak tonight. Someone lost his life, and another is in the hospital across the street. The family members were gathered around the emergency entrance, but the officers couldn’t let them all in. Then, as I continued to listen, a house was shot up in retaliation. Pray for this town that I have grown to love. The streets of Chattanooga get pretty bad sometimes. I think it may be easier to listen to the patients instead of the scanner sometimes. Yesterday was a busy day here. They were passing away as fast as they were arriving. 5 of them, today we only lost 1. Oh well, it will be time to go home soon. A new day is dawning, and the calls to the police are slowing down. Thank God the shooting has stopped for the night. 2 days ago, the shooting only cause 1 injury. Tonight, they were not so lucky. From what I understand, it was the bloods that lost a member tonight. I hate to see the retaliation that will follow. Pray for this city. The nights are getting dangerous.
I guess I could specify for those who don’t know, I work in a hospice facility, and we have people dying every day. Some days, we get patients from hospitals that are so close to death that the transition from the hospital to the facility is just too stressful for the patients. Some last only minutes, some may last a few hours. I don’t understand why they move them when they are so close to death. Some say that the hospitals want to keep their mortality rate down, and if they die here, it doesn’t count against the hospital. To me, it just seems cruel. But then again, once they are here, they can be made comfortable and hopefully die a peaceful, pain-free death. If their families will let that happen. We had someone here last week who was in obvious pain, yet the family members would not let the nurses give them their meds. How can someone know their loved one is in pain, yet not allow pain medication. To me, that is sadistic and cruel. But, it’s out of my hands. Only God knows why they would want to watch a loved one, that they proclaim to love, suffer. Oh well, that is why I now listen to the police scanners. The pain outside these doors is easier to deal with than the pain down the hall sometimes.
Promises kept
It has been a very lonely Christmas and new years holiday. I came down with covid right before Christmas and have had to spend the last 11 or 12 days alone. I went back to work for 1 night then was off on the weekend again. I go back to work tonight and am sooo Thanking God. I’m thanking God for another reason tonight also. He let me talk to my baby last week in a dream. It was Christmas eve and I had a fever, ( the only day that I had a fever the whole time) , but in all of my sickness and fever and chills that day, God let Tony come to talk to me in a dream. I knew I was dreaming yet it was finally the conversation that I have wanted with Tony since the day he died. He told me he was happy and he was right where he was supposed to be. He said to take my time because he would be waiting for me when I arrived. It seemed like we talked for hours but as I got up to come home he whispered in my ear. ” don’t forget that God keeps His promises ” Rita and I were just talking about God’s promises recently and I guess Tony was affirming what she had told me. So God let me have another miracle this year. HE LET ME TALK TO TONY. I am so blessed.
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